October 28, 2024
Next spring, it will be 20 years since our son was physically here with us. Because of this, much of the world believes that our grief is somehow less impactful in our daily lives or somehow easier now. Though it is true we now have preferred coping skills, and we have found ways to pull ourselves back from the darkest moments, our grief is still very much a part of us. Like our love for Joshua, our grief will be with us for the rest of our lives.
Recently, I had to go to a new physician. Though she was a kind and highly educated young woman, she did not grasp that my grief is still very much a part of who I am. “Are you an emotional eater?” was her question. My response was honest. “I lost my son several years ago and certain times of the year, my grief feels closer to the surface. I find that I seek solace by eating different comfort foods. But like in everything in life, it is cyclical.” The physician’s response was, “Have you thought about going to therapy? After 20 years, that loss shouldn’t be impacting you like that.” I quietly just looked at her without any anger. I knew that she must not have lost someone truly dear to her yet.
If Joshua was still here, he would be 30 years old now. Many of his cousins and friends have found happiness, settled in their careers, and many have begun to raise children of their own. So, that means many of our peers are now grandparents or in-laws. We are fortunate to be included in many of these milestones. Yet, it is so unbearably bittersweet. Most days, I can smile and feel genuine happiness for others. However, every so often, I find myself overwhelmingly weary.
At my lowest moments, I vent out loud, “I am so tired of having to be happy for everyone else.” I used to feel embarrassed about these emotions, and I feared I would become bitter and resentful. However, I now realize that feelings such as these need to be acknowledged. Trying to hide them inside of ourselves only causes turmoil. Every so often, we need to give ourselves a bit of grace, vent in a safe place, and then rest when the tirade is over.
Do not allow others who have not walked this journey, to determine how you travel it. Embrace each peaceful and beautiful moment. Yet, allow yourselves to feel the low moments, too. Then, rest and build your strength again in between each. There is beauty awaiting us and our children are worth the wait.