Leading Up to the Service/Memorial:
- Remind yourself to breathe
- Drink fluids, though you’re not thirsty
- Eat a little something to maintain your strength
- Rest your body, though you cannot sleep
- Think about your child’s wishes and beliefs
- Depending on age, include the siblings in the planning:
- Flowers
- Rituals
- Favorite items, notes to be included
- Photos displayed
- Clothes their sibling should rest in
- Stories to be included
- Design of memorial or marker
During the Service, Remembrance or Memorial:
- Drink fluids
- Have mints to moisten your mouth
- Sit every so often
- Ignore people’s clumsy comments
- Notice how your child has impacted so many
- Some people clip a lock of hair for a keepsake
- Collect flowers from arrangements to press them
- Have a friend keep track of gifts and kind gestures
- Have them assist with thank you notes later (perhaps at a year’s anniversary)
In the Days Following Service/Memorial:
- Continue to drink fluids and eat at least once a day
- Rest your body
- Do daily rituals like getting dressed
- There is comfort in rituals
- Ask for privacy or company – whichever you need
- Take a walk
- Allow yourself to feel the “sharp” agony of it
- Look up and see what is still around you
- Treasure every fleeting moment of peace
- Hold their pillow, stuffed animal, special item
- Scream into a pillow
- Cry in the shower or car
- See your physician or visit a therapist when ready
- Talk to your child… out loud or in your mind
- Let others help you:
- Mow your yard
- Grocery shop
- Do errands
- Write thank you notes
- Cook meals that can be frozen
- Walk your pets
- Do your laundry
- Listen to stories about your child
- Sit in the quiet with you
Be forgiving and gentle with yourselves. You have been traumatized and you will not be fully functioning for a while.
The grief will not go away. Over time, it will become “softer” and a part of you. It will be a constant reminder of your precious one.